C.R.A.Z.Y

Life is a beautiful wonderful magical ball of confusion right now but at 2:59 on July 14, 2011 that is a good bad and indifferent. God love us humans are something else they really are, this is a confession foisted of on the human race…we ask, plead, beg, grovel for something. God gives us an answer but it isn’t exactly what we wanted HE answers it perfectly but it isn’t what we have expected and therefore NOT what we wanted all the way…I asked God to provide, He has I mean if it wasn’t for the Lord who was on my side…that is THE testimony, especially for me in this period. I left Louisiana NEVER to look back NEVER, no job, no place to stay, no money, a whole lot of NOTHING.com foolishness. He has used people who I never would have thought to do things for me and for that I am grateful, to God first and to them second.He has gifted me with food and shelter with negative money I do thank Him. People putting money in my hand repayment unseen or discussed I do thank Him. Housing I do not have to pay for,I do thank Him. So what is wrong with me? I know I KNOW I am a selfish, unsatisfied human and as much as I say I am working on it, I am not. It would require sacrifice of what I have plenty of, TIME. I have no job, I have no car, I have no one to distract me but ME. Is my time so precious that I can’t give any of that back to God, the one who gave/gives me life, health and strength? I ask all the time but I give minimal at best. He allowed his son to die for silly, selfish, unsatisfied me. Double edged sword? yes cuts both ways. I have been ‘saved’ for 24 years…why am I acting like I just found out about Jesus!?!?!? We do this act all brand new when we are blatantly in the super wrong…..yes I am getting right…slowly but surely.

Cdub

 

so today was

THE FIRST DAY I RODE THE BUS

Not a good happy time for me, it was hot, like riddin in the devils front pocket by the crotch hot OMG that was the W.O.R.S.E and then Detroit busses ain’t right, not on time, drivers don’t know or rather want to know how to help the new riders out a lil…darn meanies.

Other than the heat it was cool but not a thing I want to repeat in the near future…

*clenches bus fare and walks away*

 

This has the hatchings of T.R.O.U.B.L.E.

Desire… where are you when I need you most?
Can’t you tell
the way I long for you?
I think it’s unfairly wrong of you teasing me like
you do baby.
Could it be you do it just for fun, when you know I am the only
one?
Cause you know you are the only one
I…

Desire (oooh you make me)
Desire (in the
morning I)
Desire (you baby)
Desire (make me desire you, you, you,
you)

Desire… please tell me why must you make me
beg?
Desire please stop running through my head.
Is it that you love to
play cat and mouse?
Give me a clue what to do, help me out.
Perhaps I’m
your subject or just your muse.
It feels so damn good to be used, when you
know I am the only one.

Desire (ooohh I desire
you)
Desire (I can’t help the way I desire you)
Desire (ohhhhhhhhh)
Desire (I can’t sleep at night… at
night)
Desire (I wanna… I wanna touch you with…)
Desire (desire
you)
Desire (passionately with desire)
Desire (I wanna kiss you with
every…)

Every… every part of me wants every part of you (yeah). I
desire you.
I… desire you (I desire you) I… de-sire you.
I… desire
you (if there ever was a time baby) I… de-sire you (desire you – I would say
the time is now).
I… desire you (come to me oohhh) I… desire you (it’s
urgent… can’t you, can’t you hear it in my voice how I desire
you).

Don’t take too
long.
Don’t take too long.
Please come to me.
I want you.

 

Wow 30 moment 101

So I love Detroit because of who I hmmm become when I am here, I am fun, I step .5 millimeters from my succint reserved demeanor because I have access to alcohol, without the condeming looks from my Mommy. That reads like an Alchy huh? I think it is more the freedom from the impositions of living with a parent past the college years. So anyway, I go out with my buddy and she is like you are NOT 30!! Yes I am and then I was ‘teased’ about 30 being old…iono yet, my age hits me mentally 2 years after the fact…so 32 yeah buddy! I always age slower I had stuffed animals in their own bed up until like 25 #dontjudgeme, I started drinking @ 15 so the act of being legally able to drink was just another day@ 21. Since I celebrate my bday for 6 mths anyway I’ll have a slap down drag it out in august oh the foolish delight I am going to have…i should get to planning huh?

 

did you know

empty words are horrible…words fleshy with promise,fat and beautiful, brimming with possibility unseen..damn I hate those..HATE those bitches,they get your heart warm, your soul lifted and your libido running..

you don’t know that they are empty as they depart from the mouth that promises you a rapturous melee

got you plottin, moving $$$,making plans you are going to get you some of that good stuff they talkin

You reach them squirming like a child fresh from the tub

You ask

They look

They offer and you get

NOTHIN

 

Countdown Detroit

I am keeping track in my mind but not my reality of the days I depart for Detroit. I am still trying to stack change to support my exodus right? I am still looking for  a J.O.B in the supposed land of the jobless, I have faith, my man got me ?????? right my thoughts exactly!!!!!! so there is an internal stress and an outward glee I wish these two could agree and I land on my feet

C

 

I’m ready….

W.O.W

that is all for now I told my love about an issue I have/had he told me it is not that bad he got me…..

WOW!!!!!

 

My soul and mind and my slow heart

I have never felt kindly toward the phrase ‘falling in/ out of love’. Not that I look down on the concept of love but that it conveys an assumed lack of self control…No one went and snatched you down into love, you made a subconcious decision to open yourself to the possibility of love and its consequences good or bad. Love is just that, love, has no rhyme or reason, doesn’t have to offer an explanation or an appology. Either you get it or you don’t. Love is a constant, you acknowledging is not. I like to think I walked into a loving relationship with beautiful soul. He sees me and I see him through all past hurts, disappointments, pains conflicts, joys, sorrows and circumstances. I see him and he is beautiful, he sees me, flaws, tender heart, shy spirit and to him I am beautiful. We are beautuful and that is more than either one of us asked for. He sought someone to cherish and I am the one who won the favor of his company. I needed someone who was going to stand up for me and celebrate my triumphs, and comfort me in my time of failure, he is doing that. He has and will offer me the world and I will view favorably whatever he asks of me, whenever he asks…

 

We have yet to get over it

It is my belief that we may act as if,bad word is a coming, RACE (*gasp*)  is no longer an issue in this country where. I know that we local folk know that is a lie from the deep fiery depths of hell but it has been thrust into the spotlight by our wonderful half brain dead congressmen and women. President Obama, THE PRESIDENT OF THE UNITED STATES, had to get a lawyer to surpass what us regular folk would never do in the first place ask permission to show his birth certificate on T.V. and basically told super Toupee’ Donald Trump to eat his dick and his nuts, after he told the press to suck it.I know what it is, white folk are mad because this seed of a non-enslaved AFRICAN and a lily-white woman conceived this baby and had him in America, dammit to hell, this man, AMERICAN SINCE 1961, AND NOT  A TERRORIST and now the essence of who America is mixed and all and who America is not, marvelously intelligent is now one of the most powerful men in our galaxy.

 

So to consider yourself….

I went to see fam for the holiday saw a cousin that I am oddly growing fond of (not in the incest way but ooo he done grew up way). I brought dresses to go to church you know the drill. Dress one was a little to toooo much so I switched put on somethig more appropriate for church. We walk in I get a tad bit confused because I thought I was going to CHURCH, obviously I was wrong I was going to the club. Chicks got on shirts that they lied to themselves and rocked as dresses. Dudes got the SWAG on lock…baby we are in CHURCH, not the Texas chapter of Pimps and Hoes for Christ. I guess I was wrong, babies not even 10 wearing HEELS. I am truly appalled..really